Nobody Is Coming to Give You Closure: How to Let Go and Move On

Nobody is coming to give you closure.

There. I said it.

I know. That might sting a little.

Maybe you were hoping somebody would eventually show up at your door, apologize beautifully, acknowledge every single thing they did wrong, validate your feelings, and hand you a lovely gift basket labeled CLOSURE.

There may even be Chardonnay in the basket. Because you know how much I like chardonnay!

Sadly, that is probably not happening.

We have turned closure into something another person gives us. I need them to explain. I need them to apologize. I need them to understand why I'm hurt. I need them to admit what they did.

But what if they don't?

What if they never apologize? What if they don't remember the situation the way you do? What if they refuse to take responsibility? What if the relationship is over and you never even get the opportunity to have the conversation?

Do you have to stay stuck?

Absolutely not.

That's exactly what Mallory and I tackle in Episode 18 of Breakthrough with Mallory and Julie: conflict, closure, letting go, and learning how to move forward even when you don't get the resolution you wanted.

One of the biggest ideas we discuss is that there are really two kinds of resolution: internal resolution and external resolution. External resolution is the conversation you may have with the other person. Internal resolution is the work you do within yourself to process what happened and move forward. And here's the kicker: external resolution is optional. Internal resolution isn't.

So how do you start?

Takeaway #1: Stop Rehearsing the Case

Here's something we didn't really get into on the podcast, but I think it matters enormously:

Pay attention to how often you are mentally prosecuting the case.

You know what I'm talking about.

You're driving to work and suddenly you're replaying the conversation.

And THEN she said…

You're taking a shower and preparing the closing argument.

What I SHOULD have said was…

You're trying to fall asleep and Exhibit A through Q suddenly appear.

And another thing! Remember what he did in 2019?!

Congratulations. You have opened a courtroom in your head, and apparently it operates 24 hours a day.

Here's the problem: every time you rehearse the conflict, you can keep giving it your attention long after the actual event has ended.

So catch yourself.

When the mental trial starts again, ask: Is there something new for me to learn here?

If there is, great. Write it down. Decide what you'll do differently. Have the conversation if one genuinely needs to happen.

But if there is nothing new—if you're simply replaying the same evidence for the 437th time—close court for the day.

You don't need another argument.

You need forward motion.

Takeaway #2: Give Your Feelings an Expiration Date

This is one of my favorite ideas from the episode, and I have to give my mama credit for it.

When she's really mad about something, she gives herself a time limit to be mad. The size of the problem determines the size of the window. Maybe it's a couple of hours. Maybe it's a few days. Maybe something genuinely painful deserves longer.

But eventually?

Time's up.

That doesn't mean pretending you weren't hurt. In fact, we talk in the episode about how important it is to actually allow yourself to feel what you're feeling. You can be angry. Sad. Disappointed. Frustrated. Feelings aren't facts, but they are feelings—and dismissing them doesn't magically make them disappear.

Feel it.

Process it.

Learn from it.

But don't build a condo there.

At some point, you have to decide: I have given this enough of my life.

My mom doesn't magically forget why she was angry when her deadline arrives. She chooses to move forward. 

That's the part I love.

Moving on isn't always a feeling.

Sometimes it's a decision.

And sometimes you have to make that decision again tomorrow.

Takeaway #3: Listen to the Full Episode—and Rethink What Closure Means

This is where Mallory and I go much deeper in Episode 18.

We talk about why conflict isn't inherently good or bad—conflict just is—and why trying to eliminate it isn't the answer. What matters is what we do with it.

We also tackle a really important question: When should you actually have the conversation?

Sometimes external resolution is necessary. Maybe behavior needs to change. Maybe you need clarification. Maybe the relationship matters enough that something needs to be addressed.

And sometimes?

As we say in the episode, you have to ask:

Is the juice worth the squeeze? 

We talk about what you need to know before having that conversation, why listening matters, how to avoid becoming the dreaded "volcano person," and practical ways to work through unresolved feelings when the other person isn't going to participate.

Most importantly, we challenge the idea that somebody else gets to determine whether you can finally move forward.

Because think about what happens when you say:

"I can't have closure until they apologize."

You just handed someone else control over your peace.

Nope.

We're taking that back.

Your closure doesn't require their cooperation. Your future doesn't require their permission. And moving forward doesn't mean what happened was okay.

It means you've decided what happened yesterday doesn't get unlimited control over what you do tomorrow.

That's not ignoring the conflict.

That's taking back your power.

🎧 Listen to Episode 18 of Breakthrough with Mallory and Julie: “Conflict Is Inevitable. Closure Is Your Choice: How to Let Go and Move On.”

And maybe it's time to stop waiting for someone else to close the door.

You have a hand on the knob, too.